Commenting on Comments

• "Holy Crap! You have bangs!"

Way to go private eye! I almost thought about labeling the post 'She Bangs', but I thought maybe it would be a smidge over the line.

• "So you actually take (or are injected with) Hcg while you are trying to conceive? Does it give you pregnancy symptoms?"

In my case I took five days of Clomid cycle days 3-7 and schedule a 13 day vaginal ultrasound. At the ultrasound they measure the uterine lining and count eggs. If you have any and they are big enough you are injected with hCG trigger. "The hCG trigger injection is a medication known as a human chorionic gonadotropin and is used after other fertility hormones, such as clomiphene citrate or menotropins, to induce ovulation (release of the egg from the ovary) or in women undergoing an assisted reproductive technology (ART), to induce final maturation of the eggs. The dose used for the trigger is dependent on the body mass index of the female."

And no, women who carry uncomplicated pregnancies and are considered fertile have NOT cornered the market on pregnancy symptoms. I am acutely aware of morning sickness, breast tenderness, fatigue, and a myriad of other symptoms that come in the first trimester. I just don't have anything to show for them.

• "WTH?"

Holy Hell Holly I miss you! I'm three minutes from getting in the car and meeting you for lunch. We could do dinner at Sea World!?! You should get to cry yourself to sleep every once in awhile. We did for like weeks after you left. :)

• "To be honest I have never looked at adoption that way but it is so true. It really does not matter how our children come to us, they are our babies and they picked us to be their mommies.."

I appreciate the honesty. Most people don't see adoption that way. I wish more would. That's why I talk about it so much. If there is anything I'd like is to for adoption to be viewed as "normal" without a hint of stigma attached to it.

If there is anything I do it is make bows. Lots and lots of bows. You can make them too, but it's a slippery slope. Pretty soon you're late for appointments trying to get the bow ready and shop based on the colors of ribbon available.

Window of Opportunity

Yesterday I explained it this way, and I let my words float around in my head the rest of day. It is not a fully formulated theory, but here goes anyway.

Ahem.

For a woman there is a distinct window of opportunity of when she begins to want a/another child. But you don't know how long that window will be open. The window may close and the desire and pull towards motherhood closes with it. And while it's closed you are content or at least resigned to where you're at. And then the window opens again. Most women will feel the tug and conceive while the window is open. Some even do it when the window is most definitely closed. It often closes during the actual pregnancy, but opens again as they prepare for their child.

With infertility and adoption it doesn't work like that. The window opens. You jump through a series of hoops. You fill out some documents. The window closes. You find contentment with the lot you have received or at least resigned to it. The window opens. More hoops. More documents. The window closes. Sometimes slamming shut on your hand. Sometimes you wish it would just stay shut. And every time the window opens you become more and more acutely aware that it will be closing again. The scary part is that you don't know how often the window will be opening for you, so when it's open you feel a sense of urgency and panic.

Last night I was given a statistic.

Less than 1% of ALL pregnancies will end in placement/adoption.

Does that even begin to give you perspective? What a miracle my Scrunch is? Do I believe a person is deserving of two miracles? While the window is open, I don't have a choice but to.

My mother says that blogging is my therapy. Does that scare you? Trust me. Not as much as it scares me to think of you as my therapist.