One of Those Days

If I say, "Holy Crap! This is hard!" does it sound like I'm complaining? Because "HOLY CRAP! FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY!! THIS IS HARD."

Just so we're clear, I'm not complaining. I love my life. My kids. My husband. My car. Love it all, but we're all entitled to one of Those Days. Right?

The one where the car doesn't start so your husband takes yours. No biggie because the thought of taking both your children anywhere but the park by yourself still makes you get that throw up taste in the back of your mouth. You only have two arms but both of your kids want to be picked up at the same time. You can usually manage doing the dishes holding one in the sling, but the sling is the in car- not the one still in your driveway.

Your toddler decides she'd like a tortilla and cheese for lunch. You warn her not to feed it to the dog because it's the last tortilla. You set up her up outside to have a picnic on the back porch and lock the beasts inside to protect her dining experience. You think you're going to have a few minutes to blow dry your hair because if you don't your boobs will explode. That is when you've found is the most productive time to pump. Not three minutes into getting hooked up you hear screaming from the porch where sure enough, the dog is looking very pleased. The toddler on the other hand is clutching her Tinkerbell plate to her chest screaming, "Mommy! Save me. I wanna nother tilla!!" You might as well explain the Theory of Relativity than explain the Theory of Last Tortilla.

At this point you would throw everyone in the car and head for In N Out praying that she'll fall asleep on the way home, or at least go buy more torillas, except there is no car. You decide against walking the seventeen miles to anywhere. Instead, you decide today would be a great day to reinstate nap taking and set her up with a b.o.t.t.l.e. A battle which you've decided will no longer be. She can take a bottle at 53.

You got home late the night before without stopping to get milk. So you whip up a batch of powdered milk thinking you might be able to kill the taste with a little breast milk. Nu uh. You decide against adding the breast milk because you really don't have time to pump and go with straight powdered milk to which she announces, "This is not milk." No nap.

By four o'clock and your fourth round of pumping your body realizes it didn't get the requisite hours of sleep for minimum function, and there is nothing left. You encourage your toddler to go potty by herself and she returns wearing pants. They are inside out, but she's wearing pants.If there is no milk and no tortillas, there is no dinner. You text your husband  "Bring home sushi." and blast Shania Twain so you don't lose it. Your toddler tells you she won't dance with you because she's busy putting a diaper on Stitch and zipping him up in the suitcase.

You don't even realize you're tired and have had one of Those Days until your Husband comes home. Rather than kick the dog, you kick him. Suddenly you burst into tears and know there is no way you're going to make it to knitting-what you've looked forward to all day. You've got to go to the grocery store. You thank the stars and your good judgement in Husband choosing because he doesn't kick back and offers to cheuffeur you about your errands. He offers a foot massage while you blubber something about..."Hard day... no tortillas...sooo tired....nipples hurt...what if they don't know I love them....audiologist appt....need new stroller...pay for college..." Even now, I can't follow it.

You know no one cares and there are people laughing at you as they read this. "Amateur. She's only got two." You take comfort in three things. Picturing throwing rocks at them and knowing you've got fantastic aim. You've broken someones nose by lobbing a nectarine. As you've sat here chronicling the events of a normal day you've pumped nine ounces, a personal best. And that you can make sure they know you love them because you're going to get to do it all again tomorrow.

For the love of food.

I don't know why I'm surprised. Except that kids with cleft palate are supposed to have trouble eating. That's what the 'experts' say. Someone forgot to mention it to him. It's all he does. Makes him fit right in. Scrunch is the same way.

Food is good. It's a family motto.

If you call/e-mail/text my mom wondering what the plans for the weekend are, you'll get a menu in response. We laugh and mock her, but it's fabulous.

I decided that I'm going with Husband this weekend to LA so today I got two phone calls. One from Mom. "Your Dad wants to know what you want to eat this weekend." And one from Dad a few hours later. "What do you want to eat on Sunday?"

After burning the Hamburger Helper so badly last night even the dog wouldn't eat it when I left it uncovered, I can't wait to get the car in a few hours.

Telling Time

Watching one of Bear Gryll's survival shows the other night, or rather watching Bear Grylls and not so much the show, he demonstrated how to tell time while lost by using the sun and your watch.

Who cares what time it is when you're in survival mode?

Whatever.

I can't remember the last time I got lost in Namibia after jumping from a helicopter, but you never know. Plus, who doesn't have a crush on Bear (husbands included) so we watch whatever he decides to show us. It's not like we're really listening. (Oh, and BTW did I ever mention that my first boyfriend's name was Bear? We never kissed. I told him I'd break his nose if he tried to kiss me. True story.)

I have my own tried and true methods for telling time while in survival mode.

#1. When your 2 year old says, "Mommy, open your eyes." Sesame Street is over.

#2. When the same two year old hides the pump tubing for the third time, it's time to put in Snow White.

#3. When your left boob feels like it's going to explode it's time for someone to eat. When the same feeling returns, it is three hours later.

That's all you really need to know about telling time around these parts.

Excuses, excuses. A whole random list of 'em.

I hear rumor that there were murmurings against me and my non-blogging. Did you know that I'm so hooked in to my audience that I get more 'comments' in person or via text? Mostly because I have three sisters and am related to a gossip chain that would put the Twilight Bark to shame. (Name that Disney movie.) I'm also related to a Disney employee, hence the NEVERending Disney movie references.

As the queen of 'Lets Make Up Excuses' I have a list of them, all true of course, as to why my blogging s.u.c.k.s. I'm trying to cut out that word for various two year old who repeats everything reasons and damn it to hell if its not one of the hardest habits to kick. I have a dog that thinks her name lately is Dammit-to-Hell and she'd be awfully lonely had I picked that phrase to work on instead.

Back to me reasons...

Hours pumped is greater than hours slept yesterday. Putting a coherent sentence together. is. not. Eezy.

When I do have sentences put together they almost always have something to do with sleep, boobs, or food. Is this what it's like to be a man?

Too much time spent in front of my closet looking for something that fits. I'm going to have to resort to buying fat pants. I have several pairs of bloated/PMSing pants, but have never had a need for fat pants. A blessing as well as a curse.

Too much time spent conducting my own hearing tests on Porkchop by playing with the ringtones of my new phone or blasting Collective Soul.

I have a few posts written about the last few weeks that when reviewed seem to sappy for summer blog reading.

The most interesting post this week is tied between "Hands-free Pumping While You Drive" (It can be done!) and "I Couldn't Cry to Get out of a Ticket but Cried to Get an Appt for Porkchop Rescheduled"

So, if you're gonna complain you might as well be useful. Are there any subjects you'd like me to pontificate? Open forum. Your suggestion is my command, but don't say pictures. I know the only reason you put up with my rambling is for the pictures.

Groovy Baby

Let be honest. The last three weeks have kicked my butt around the block a few times. I'm slowly starting to get back in my groove, but

oh.

so.

slowly.

No.
This is a whole new groove.

As we left the house, ironically to go for a walk around the block, I felt like I was forgetting something.

Kid one. Check.

Kid two. Check.

Whatever. We were just going for a walk.

At one point Porkchop started to fuss. As I fiddled with the sling and his bottle getting him set up for a feeding I was reminded.

Nursing pads.

And I went home to change my clothes for the third time.

One of these days Mommy is going to get it together and we'll measure our productivity in terms greater than the number of times we change our clothes or ounces pumped. Except Scrunch. She measures her success in how many times she can disrobe and take out her ponies before Mom notices again.

We may not be blogging, sewing, or cleaning but we are getting dressed every day.

Meeting the Team

While I was still humming Johnny Cash's 'Ring of Fire' a cascade of little miracles was set in motion. Starting with the supply of breast milk en route from two towns away, a Bishop's wife who dropped everything to sit with me, my mom getting in the car and making it in record time so Scrunch could have her own personal buddy, to my sister getting on the horn.

If it's all about who you know, it seems (for once) we're in the know. My sister called a friend who contacted someone, who then contacted me and within two days of his birth we were scheduled with the Cleft Palate Team at the University Children's Hospital. Before the end of the month and before even having the referral from his pediatrician  he would see a surgeon. We would see an entire panel of professionals in August. They called us yesterday to tell us there had been a cancellation and we would see the panel today.

Five hours in a doctor's office and most of it was actually talking to doctors or other professionals- that's kind of a miracle in itself.

We have kind of played off Porkchop's palate as "no big deal" because after all it's "fixable." In the grand scheme of things that could possibly go wrong this is on the low end of the spectrum, but it was still kind of nice to sit with people who recognized that this isn't just a cosmetic issue that will be stapled up overnight. This is going to be a process and it's kind of a big deal.

He is getting state of the art medical care from everybody and their mother. That is and isn't such a great thing all the time. More than a few times I had to count in my head to prevent from yelling, "Quit poking, prodding, touching my baby!!!" I've had to step down from the position that if you make my baby cry I'll make you cry.

Here's the breakdown and the low down. Listed only in order of what I remember and not necessarily importance.

CNS/Feeding specialist- Weighed in at 10.5 lbs at 16 days. Her advice, "Keep doing what you're doing."

Administrative Assistant- I learned a long time ago with Scrunch that the admin assist should be your best friend. They put the phone calls through and make the appointments. This almost makes them as good as the boss.

Speech Pathologist- Soooo very helpful and informative. At this point we wait and see.

Dentist- Seen starting around 6mos to a year to establish good hygiene and preventative maintenance. We need to keep the baby teeth in as good a shape as possible to help maintain other bony structures.

Orthodontist- Kid will probably need braces around 8-10 and again at around 13-14. Hope Scrunch doesn't need them. He'll likely be missing a tooth so he'll get to be the cool kid who can take his fake tooth out and freak out the girls. Implants when he's an adult if the teeth are missing.

Pediatrician- He pees, poops, and eats. Gold star from him.

Social Worker- I do not have post partum depression. Informed her about LDSFS. She's also a Social Worker on the OB floor and in the NICU. Mostly talked adoption and home birth with her. Nice lady.

Audiologist- Another nice lady who was totally pro home birth. He failed his hearing screen. It doesn't necessarily mean he can't hear. Fluid behind the ear drum is not uncommon. He'll be scheduled for more testing. He might be the only person who likes Ani ALL the time just because he can't hear her bark ALL THE TIME!

Dr. S.- Dr. S. is the medical director and an otolaryngologist/facial plastic surgeon. After meeting and talking with us he decided to take Porkchop on as his patient switching with the other surgeon we were originally assigned. He is a perfect candidate for nasoalveolar molding (NAM). Basically this means weekly appointments to have the moldings fit. It is kind of a pain in the butt, but it provides the best results. He will probably have surgery in August or September to close the lip. Usually a surgery at 10-13 months to close the palate and one at 9-10 to close the gum. Other surgeries may be needed as he grows depending on speech involvement/ if he needs a nose job etc. He had his first mold taken today and we go back on Monday.

My message to Dr. S.- You must make one hell of a first impression because there are not many people I'd trust to do surgery on my baby. I don't even care if you have a surgeon's God complex, you get things done. When all is said and done you'll probably be forever on the Christmas list.

Geneticist- This is where things took a downturn. You wanna come in here and play investigator about what I may or may not have done to cause this in my baby? And get hysterical about what is a normal newborn rash? You made me feel like a crappy mom and I really don't appreciate that. Thanks but no thanks and buh-bye.

Nurse who taught me to tape- Pre surgical taping is exactly that. Squish his little face together and tape with steri strips to secure. It needs to remain in place as much as possible and I do it myself at home. I wasn't prepared for that. We'll talk more about that later. It interferes with me kissing on his fat cheeks. It sucks and I hate it. We'll do it because it's what's best and he'll need to be taped until his first surgery.

Monday

Oh, just forget it!

I had this brilliant plan- taking pictures of my week. I had themes planned out for every day. (These are the things I think about while awake at three a.m. My posts are so much funnier at that time of day just in case you'd like to come back and read in a little while.) Today's was going to be "Before and After". I had my to-do list ready and we were gonna be in business- a real day in the life of moi. A productive day. A day for pictures.

Welcome to a real Day in the Life. Where "the best laid schemes of mice and men go oft awry." Starting with the camera being left in the car (I didn't have) all morning while I accomplished most of the necessaries on the to-do list. I got as far as making Scrunch's bed and doing the dishes. The rest of the list sort of dwindled away. Where did I even leave the list?

How could I have forgotten that I have a two year old and a two week old? This is not as good a time as any to be documenting my week in pictures. Between pumping every two to three hours and going potty just about as often, that's a whole lot of boobie and butt shots. It would have made for interesting before and after pics though, huh? Before pumping and after pumping is like a whole cup size. And the after potty? Now there is something we don't necessarily need to document.

So... about the pictures. I have a before of the dirty dishes and an after of the clean sink. A before of my messy bedroom. A before of the family/play room that's been painted but not organized. A before of the laundry. Where are the afters?

I forgot that in this new phase of life if things don't happen by noon, they're not going to happen. By lunch time anything left on the to-do list will have to be revisited tomorrow because I'm tired and Scrunch is ready to head to the park. If it doesn't happen tomorrow it can wait to be washed until I need it next or my Spanish speaking housekeeper we call 'Abuelita' comes to cook and clean and scrub toilets for me. Legally of course. Since there is no housekeeper, legal or otherwise, it's just gonna have to wait until I need it next. Whatever 'it' may be.

Again, about the pictures. No worries. Husband was in charge of the camera yesterday so I won't leave you completely hanging.

Tomorrow? From now on I make no promises for tomorrow.