I think I muttered something that starts with 'shut', ends with 'up', and lands my kids in hot water. I cannot let my mind go there. I am living minute by minute. Sometimes in twenty second increments. And I talk to myself. Like. A. LOT!
"Oh, for the love of all that is Holy!" - Like when they tattle. Oy. Little girls like to tattle.
"I must remain calm." -Like when the dishwasher has been out for three days and CPS calls and says they are coming to your house.
"I am the grown up." -Like when I want to jump and down and whine when someone is jumping up and down and whining.
"I want my mommy!" -Like when CPS and the attorney were coming at the very same time on the very same morning.
"You can do hard things." -Like pretty much every time I want to run away.
"This is worth it." -Like when Scrunch tells me she has three sisters.
"They are worth it." -Like when the girls give me a hug first thing in the morning.
"In ten years none of this will matter." -Like when I'm staring at the laundry, dishes, or toys strewn everywhere.
"In ten years only this will matter." -Like every time I question what in the Sam Hell possessed us to think we could pull this off.
This is pretty much the hardest thing I've ever done. Not my parent's divorce, infertility, adoption, Porkchop's cleft and subsequent surgeries, natural labor- none of it compares to daily physical and emotional work that parenting these six kids has required of me. But I also know all of it combined prepared us for it.
From a recent e-mail I wrote..."We knew this was not going to be easy. We will just continue to do the best we can, with what we've got, while we've got them. When I start to question what craziness we've set out on and invited into our lives I am constantly reminded by the kids that we are doing this for them. Over dinner Beezus read the sign in our kitchen about good moms having sticky floors, dirty ovens, and happy kids. She looked at me and said, "You've got six happy kids." "
In ten years, only this will matter.