Master Bedroom Makeover

In another life I have a personal shopper and live in the Restoration Hardware catalog. In this one I have kids who need multiple sets of braces and student loans. How exciting could "I just dropped ten grand at Macy's Homestore" really be anyway? Oh, who am I kidding? It would be ridiculously awesome. Instead, I dropped a really very teensy, tiny amount on Craigslist and the drunk man's estate sale.  I have stories! and sweat! and tears! and swears! put into this room to make it ours. Plus, could the personal shopper say that she dug all the succulents out of a toilet in someone's front yard? I think not.

Before...



Sorry about the phone pics, but I am terrible at taking low lighting indoor shots with my camera so this way it looks vintage-y and distorted on purpose.



Curtains- fabric.com
Curtain rods- IKEA
Side tables- MALM IKEA
Headboard- Cosignment
Wicker trunk- One of the first things I ever bought in a consignment shop
Framed butterfly- Consignment
Bedding- Amazon

Huge I heart Us string art to cover stupid builder's "accent" alcove- Thank you Pinterest

Dresser- Free and Annie Sloan's chalk paint

Chair- One of the four chairs that came with the $27.00 dining table recovered in some suede from my Mom's neighbors warehouse.

Wool Felt Pouf- Tuesday Morning

Spinning wheel- Huge story and post in itself, but short version...generous friend from knitting group.

A few of my favorites...

GRAY!!! Cowhide rug- the biggest splurge for the room. I bought it on-line. She doesn't have a name yet.

Fiddle leaf fig and basket pot- Please don't die! Please don't die! Please don't die! IKEA. Also, doesn't have a name yet.

White ceramic Asian statue- We got her for our wedding from my Mom's previous employer. I know. Weird right? But now she has a place of honor. And I love her.

Picture frames- Drunk man's estate sale. $1.00 a piece!! I let my kids paint over the weird paintings inside but kept the old victorian lovebirds.

Teak bowl with succulents...$1.00 at the Drunk man's estate sale. I gave him $3.00 for all the succulents because I felt bad.

Brass horseshoe- Drunk man's estate sale. $1.00

Small silhouettes- A gift for my 10th birthday from my Grandma. They were her great grandmothers. 

Cable knit ceramic vase- $2.00 Clearance from Cost Plus

Floral pillow- Mi Esposo bought in during his layover in Brussels this last trip.

Tray with jewelry boxes- 2 are from each of my great grandmothers, glass shoe is from John's grandmother, glass rose is what Mi Esposo proposed to me with.

Green glass vase- Drunk man's estate sale. $1.00

Green and Turquoise glass containers- $10.00 at the drunk man's estate sale when his son was in charge. 

Plate with the temple and our wedding date- Wedding gift from Grammy

Green basket- Home Goods Clearance

Weathered pallets you can see in the reflection- $5.00 a piece on Craigslist. I just hung them on the wall with OOK hardware so they won't fall off and mame someone, but other than that they were already all gray and weathered. 

Monogram- Etsy

On my nightstand...

Woman in Prayer- Christmas gift from my parents when I was in High School.

Teak bowl and more toilet succulents- $1.00 at you guess it! Drunk man's estate sale.

Shell frame- Marshall's or Ross a looong time ago.

Another $2.00 vase from Cost Plus

Vintage glass stick lamps- $2.00!!!!!! I bought both. Loved that estate sale!

That's a grand total of a whole lot of free and almost free old crap! (That's what I tell Mi Esposo. 'Honey, that's almost free!')

All that's missing now is for me to finish the pillow...

My whole freakin' face hurts. Well, it's killing you? Wah, wah. Shut up inner thirteen year old pinhead, I'm serious. It really hurts. My sinuses are tender which covers the entire top half of my face. In a hurry the other day I stabbed myself in the eye with my mascara wand. Yes, they call me Grace. But now I have a puss pocket or a stye or something. At any rate the left eyelid is swollen as a result of my finesse or I need to stop lining my top lid with that new gel liner and probably stop watching stupid makeup application videos on YouTube when insomnia strikes. I'm also going to stop listening to my old bishop's wife. She's an older lady with amazing skin so I tried her regimen. Coconut oil. I have some of that. Lots of it in fact. Why not slather my face in it? I'll tell you why not. Because I can count the number of zits I had all through high school. I was blessed like that, but it didn't stop them from calling me Yanerd so don't be too jeal. So anyway, now I have three at the very same time halfway between my nose and top lip. They're the kind that are under the skin so you can't see them, but I know they are there because my face hurts every time I remind my kids to put their shoes on outside or wash their hands. It pretty much hurts all day long, at least forty seven times an hour. All my nose wiping from the sharing of previously mentioned influenza virus sharing has caused some major chaffing of which I am afraid to remedy with any moisturizer and most definitely NOT any more coconut oil. That crap is for making shrimp pad thai NOT your face.

Normally a completely vain and prideful woman, I might have considered all of this before telling the kids that they were welcome to take pictures with my old point and shoot camera. There's only one rule. Anyone you're taking a picture of has to know you're taking it and they have to have all of their clothes on. This should have covered my having to delete any more videos from my phone of me nursing Juju or getting dressed.

Imagine my surprise when the flash went off while I was sitting in the bathroom.

"Scrunch!!!"

"Don't worry Mommy, I'm only taking pictures of your face."

Great. Just great.

El Nino is a force of nature that lives inside my house.

Last week was a little brutal. I don't remember the first half, Wednesday was a struggle, and Thursday I got to see croup and asthma in action. I don't really feel the need to blog the details because I doubt that I am soon to forget the look on his face as he turned blue and looked to me to explain why it was so hard to breathe. I am a total wuss when it comes to my kids, but especially Porkchop. Like most Mama's and their sons, our relationship is complicated. I love him to pieces, especially when he puts me in a headlock to give me kisses with his "chock-chip" stained face, but there are days I'm going to stick him on a raft and send him down the river.

I tried to take them all to Music Makers last week and he was so naughty. I don't know if it was because he was at the church in the middle of the week, or what, but he was on strike. "Hell no! I won't go! "Hell no! I won't go!" Honestly, just sit down, sing the little ditties and listen to the story. No. In fact, if he could have flipped them all off, he would have. He'd rather throw rocks, or smash and bash something. There's no McQueen cars, rocks, or bikes? Not interested then, thanks. So, now we're never leaving the house again and he's grounded to the sandbox and I'm super proud of myself for not beating him and then the next day he turns blue and we go to Urgent Care. That night I climb in bed next to him and cuddle my baby and fall asleep next to him all night. Yesterday I'm the phone with my sister when Porkchop comes in with blood all over his hands and face. "Um, I gotta call you back. I need to find out where he's bleeding from."

"Do you have an owie?" "I dunno." But with him, it sounds like one word. "I-oh-no" and he shrugs his shoulders. No tears, just blood. So I wash his hands and face and yup, two visible slices across his thumb. "Show Mommy how you got the owie?" And he pulls me into my bedroom where he'd climbed up and gotten the utility knife I'd used earlier and left most definitely out of reach. Ay ya yay.

In a space of five minutes he dropped my cell phone into the sink where they were growing one of those  "Watch me grow 10x my size!" mold factories from Valentine's Day and then dumped a full box of sewing pins onto the dining rug. It's not like he was unattended either. Both times I was standing right there in the path of destruction. To his credit he did reach for the towel and immediately begin talking me down while drying it off as best he could. "It okay Mommy-mommy. Da phone be oh-kay." He then announces that he "Be weady for my nap Mommy-mommy. You get my hot bah-bah and come sweep wit  me." I obediently cross the kitchen to the fridge, fill a sippy with milk, and put in 45 seconds on the microwave. Not 30, not 42. He'll hand it back and slowly repeat, "I saaaaaaid a HOT bah-bah" like I didn't understand him the first time. Who is this kid?

Mi Esposo just laughs and kind of shakes his head. Scrunch announced the other night that "If Erick dies I will really miss him." "You will?", I asked. "Yup. It's a long time till the Resurrection." Oh, laws.

Crap! I was going somewhere with these stories, but I just heard, "I'm very disappointed in you Mister!" from the other room. This could mean anything from "how dare you be fed up playing the puppy or the dentist in our game of house" to he just set the fringe on my new bedspread on fire.

Dear McNeil Sister, (a.k.a. the only person who ever comments on my blog) sniff. And I might not even know you in real life. sniff. sniff.,

I thought only 2.75 people ever read my crap outside of those directly related to the cute children sometimes pictured here. Do I know you so well that you assumed you'd see me sporting my floral skinnies tomorrow, the next day, and the next day after that? I have to admit I was only a little hurt that you only asked to see my new purse(s) and not me in my jeans. Sniff.

Since you might be my new best friend, I will oblige. But later. I'm supposed to be working right now and (clearly), I'm not. I am suffering from anal glaucoma. I just can't see my butt going to work.

Oh, come on! That was funny. I heard it on the radio on my luckiest day of the year and I laughed so hard while I was driving that the cars next to me might have thought I was illegally texting or tweeting or FBing while driving. I wasn't- just listening to the good old fashioned radio. I need to get out more.

Today I am wearing cowboy boots and a maxi skirt (because I felt like it), should you care. Obviously, you don't. I did not check Pinterest first to find out if this was a suitable outfit for a Mom wardrobe. Maybe I'll do that when I'm done here. Or maybe I'll watch more YouTube videos on how to fill in your eye brows. That's what I did the other night when I was avoiding working. I found out that I need to order MAC eyebrow pencil in Brunette and Urban Decay's Midnight Cowboy Glide-On Shadow.

Anyway, I probably won't carry a purse since I'm only headed to take Scrunch to pre-school and then later to my violin lesson. If I get super ambitious I will sew up a new tote for my music. I'll snap a quick phone pick of that for you as well. But not while I am driving.

In the meantime, don't eat Coco Puffs off my floor. This was the wisdom passed on to me by the 9 year old son of my bunny breeder. Wisdom beyond his years that one. I thought I would pass it on since I should probably snap a quick phone pick of Cadbury while I'm taking random pictures of things around my house. I read that the Internets love cats. I don't like cats, so I think we should make a collective effort to flood our blogs with pictures of bunnies and chickens. Ellie, go! Phone pic of the chicken, please. I'm still bent out of shape that my HOA does not allow chickens.

OK, it's really time to go to work. I read that, "We read to know that we are not alone." I can totally get that, especially from those of you who keep reading my blog. Congratulations! You're not the only one who's completely nuts.

Love,
The Mayor of CRAZYtown

Them's my favorite.

The floral skinny jeans came the same day Mi Esposo came home and I got a surprise check in the mail from a work bonus I wasn't expecting. I decided to use it to buy something from my 30 before 30 list and get a new purse. I wore them the day I ran away from home (for a few hours) and decided to brave the Goodwill Outlet and maybe hit the regular outlets on the way home.

I'd only heard about it and as it's not in the best area of town- saved it for a time when I could be out during daylight hours. I quickly stopped being nervous though when I realized how many patients I'd seen in the area. This place is not for the faint of heart. They wheel out these big bins and you just sort through them. It is all sold by the pound. The real hard-core sifters are there to make a profit and even wear work gloves. There's pushing and shoving when a new bin comes out. It's a little intense, but fun to people watch.

I thought I scored big when I pulled out three 100% wool sweaters in perfect condition. Then there was the pretty green Banana Republic sweater. And then the three chambray shirts. Yes! They were exactly what I was looking for. As I moved on to the household items I started to think I was wearing my lucky jeans. Sweet hallelujah! An old, green (my favorite!), wooden steamer trunk- with leather handles. Some wooden scroll bars for needlework. Nice. A large wooden doll house. $2.99 baby! This is   starting to feel like a productive outing.

I stopped by the books on my way out. There was a fierce looking Asian couple sifting through their two carts full with their phones in hand. If they aren't worth anything they are tossing them back. I steered clear and moved to a different bin they had already picked through. I happened to reach down and pick up an old book. Hemingway. Hmmm...I'd read Hemingway for 50 cents. Sure, why not? I flip open the page and see 'Copyright 1929'. Guess who picked up a first edition copy of Farewell to Arms that may or may not be worth enough to finance my thrifting for the rest of the year? The chick in the floral skinny jeans, that's who.

But it doesn't end there. There is another Goodwill not two blocks away. This is where I scored a great condition Coach purse for twenty-five bucks. Thank you, thank you. I also bought the Nine West one with the tags still on!!! just for fun.

On my way home I skip the outlets- no point in going now! And stopped at the grocery store for some milk and to replenish the snack bin. Pushing my cart through the automatic door, I stopped to let an older gentleman in front of me get by and got an"Oooh, baby!!! Them's is some sexy pants!" I wish he had all his teeth, but hey, a compliment is a compliment.

So, will I be wearing the floral skinny jeans from Amazon again? Just about every damn day.

This one totally snuck up on me.

My poor third child. She doesn't even know it's her birthday. But people keep chanting and then saying her name. It is a weird tradition, this Happy Birthday Song.

Since we have early church (kinda love it, kinda lame) we only had muffins for breakfast. Luckily, we stock up on her favorites for dinner in our food storage- spaghetti and green beans. A zombie apocalypse where we live off (what is supposed to be) 2 years worth of food from our garage is Juju's meal planning dream. Shirts at the table are clearly optional. At what Birthday should this change?

Tomorrow we celebrate for reals with the traditional donuts and pink milk for breakfast and Mongolian Barbecue for lunch.

Happy Birthday Juju! Cha! cha! cha!

On-line Shopping

When I worked at the old folks home as a teenager one of my responsibilities as the front desk receptionist was to deliver any packages. We had a resident who lived there all five years I worked there on and off who was addicted to on-line shopping. She would receive two, three, and sometimes six or eight packages a day. She was a fan of HSN and I can still picture her in her silky robe, remote in hand, late one night when I went to deliver them to her door. Yikes. Just yikes. I remembered Viola when I checked my Amazon account for some shipping information, and had a flashback into my future.

These were my last ten on-line purchases, only my crutch is Amazon and not HSN. I might just love it more than Target.



Peak SMS-20 Music Stand




Violin wall holder. So it can compete with Juju chanting all day..."Pick me up! Pick me up! Pick me up!" If Juju sees me open my case she thinks she needs up at that very moment. I usually distract her with a string cheese.



Rust-oleum Chalk Paint - Mirror, mirror on the wall you're destined to become a chalkboard after all. Oooh, I'm a poet and I knowed it.



Floral skinny jeans. I might regret this one.



Dr. Scholl's arch supports. Because I am getting old and my feet hurt.



Metallic espadrilles for Scrunch.


OOK hanging hardware for those damn pallets that tried to kill me during my bedroom makeover.



Metallic contact paper. Because I may or may not be putting polka dots down my hallway.

And last, but not least...The Figure 8 Scarft Kit from Anna Maria Horner. Holy crap, I might be sewing something that's not a curtain or a cushion! And for me no less! What is it with me and florals lately?

I know why tigers eat their young. And I don't even have a doctorate in applied animal behavior. It is because the female tigress is solely responsible for the rearing of her cubs.

I know we're supposed to be all P.C. and sensitive to people's different home and living situations, but I'm just going to put it out there loud and clear. Single parenting S.U.C.K.S.!!!! It is Day 12 of parenting solo and I am over it. I may or may not have let the kids have pickles and cottage cheese for breakfast. And then I felt bad so I made them ham and eggs, but it was closer to lunch time. So they had ham and eggs for lunch. The tangerines on the tree I got for Christmas are ripe so I think they ate about 27 of those. I'd have kept better count, but I had this brilliant plan to makeover my Master Bedroom while Mi Esposo was gone so I was busy cussing and developing a hernia while trying to hang pallets on the wall. The curtains look awesome though, and I didn't even sustain an injury or let out swears or anything. Doing everything by yourself is lame- hernia or no hernia. It would be one thing if he was a good for nothin' who didn't pull his weight around here, but he's not. The kids are really starting to miss him. I miss him too, but I'm a little preoccupied with the fantasy of running away for the day the minute he walks in the door. Where would I go? IKEA? The book store? Yarn shop? The bathroom? Oh, to go to the bathroom by myself at least once a day! Props to the military Moms who never pee in peace. I never really stopped to consider that. Two more days. Two more days. I can do two more days. I could probably hold it for two days if I really had to.