Friday, April 23, 2010

Trying to follow the thoughts of a hormonal woman?

Take my advice. Give it up. Do not try to follow the thoughts of a hormonal woman. Just go along for the ride, if you've got the time.

Considering the hormonal roller coaster of the last five years, I would say that the hormones of pregnancy have actually been a stabilizing force. I haven't been this sane in years (or ever). Yes. Hormonal pregnant chick makes this chick better than ever. Chew on that thought.

The hormonal outbursts of tears I like to call "Coming Uncorked" have been for the most part limited to watching 'My Sister's Keeper', a Kid's cancer society commercial, and the night before my husband came home from a way too long for me trip. I think that's pretty good, all things considered.

But I am quickly catching up.  I lay in bed thinking about what I want to say and I haven't been able to. The tears come and I don't write. My baby growing up. Another growing inside. What to get for Birthmother's Day? Mother's Day. Scrunch's little brother. My son. It's all too much.

I am a recovering hormonal infertile chick who is now a hormonal pregnant chick. This makes for some impressive occasional waterworks. There are a couple of times I've come uncorked that I haven't been able to say much about- till today at three a.m. Figures.

My first consult with The Midwives was not the first place I thought I was going to completely emotionally breakdown. Things rarely happen where and how you think they will.

At our first visit they are going through what you would expect Homebirthing midwives to say...

"Birthing is the most normal process a woman's body undergoes."

"Your body was designed to do this."

And that's when I started sobbing.

"But it's not!" I wailed.

"It hasn't been for me. Hasn't been for most of my friends!"

"Getting." gasp.

"Staying." gasp.


"It's. not. normal. for. some. of. us."  And blubbering on and on.

This is where I need to interrupt to say that one of my midwives is also an adoptive Mom. She gets it. Gets it all!! and has been an invaluable resource and strength to me since before Scrunch was even born. It has always been understood that if I were to be pregnant, they would deliver me. It means the world to me that my Midwives not only understand, but get what's this has been like for me.  

And so I'm sobbing about how this is not normal for me, and I'm scared it's not going to be, and who knows what else. They let me cry and shared some wisdom and comfort I think you only acquire from being that close to the gates of heaven all the time. I left thinking, "Well, that was pretty. Not. Could've been worse." But most importantly, "Maybe I can do this."

No one has been more surprised than me that this has been a completely normal and even text book pregnancy. From the perfect timing of symptoms to his current presentation. Normal. normal. normal. Like I knew what I was doing or even had anything to do with it. Ha. I don't even know how I got here. Normal- A fact that I have struggled with understanding. How and why? Why now? It's easier if you don't ask these questions and just accept what is.

Erick and Kensley's stories are so intermingled and sacred to me it is just hard to explain. Without her we wouldn't have him. And without him waiting to come, we wouldn't have her. This is truth. Truth that I can't even begin to comprehend, but can only accept as a witness of God's love for his kids.

I do not believe every baby is a blessing. I just don't. Sometimes it is a biological consequence of a sperm meeting an egg and cells dividing. The blessing might come from the choices that are made once the cells divide, or the lessons that are learned from that baby coming to the Earth, or the lessons that baby will learn once it's here.

For me, today, my babies are exactly where they are supposed to be and came exactly how and when they were supposed to get here. One asleep in her big girl bed, and the other not even close to asleep in my belly. 

I think that's where I'll end for the day. Tomorrow you can hear about the second breakdown in front of The Midwives and a room full of strangers. It was not pretty. As far as coming uncorked goes, it could only have been worse had I lost bladder control. It was completely out of nowhere, but I didn't break anything or curse at anyone. Oh, goody!


Marin said...

Love it, thanks for sharing.

Casey said...

Don't worry...the loss of bladder control comes later...after the baby is born! Hang in there & keep that cork in best you can...or not! Whichever makes you feel better! BTW, a very good friend of mine is due any minute with a baby girl...after years of infertility & adopting 3 awesome kids. It's a beautiful thing! I'm glad you have midwives that "get" you!

Lisa said...

I often think of you and what a miracle your story is. I remember you saying in one of your posts that you just wanted to know that your body was capable of giving birth, and now you will have that opportunity. I can feel how full your heart is from here, and mine is full for you. I wish you the best.

Blog Archive