The proof, is as they say, in the puddin'.
I don't know what that means, really. In truth, I don't know much of anything these days. Ellie put it best when she said, "Awww..... Heavenly Father and that wacky plan of His!!!"
Because that is what we believe. That there is a plan. A map. Some people get the GoogleMaps printed out version and some of us get the weird elevation ones I hold upside down until my Eagle Scout husband comes along to point it out. Our job is to make enough good and seemingly accurate choices to stay on route. Sometimes you veer off and take an alternate route with other lumps and bumps, but so long as the destination is the same, it doesn't matter. Well, it matters. But not really. Follow?
I was at Megan's house when the subject of child spacing or a topic close to it came up. It was at her dining table amidst three Cricuts and a bunch of ribbon that I was able to put in to words my conundrum. Even after almost five years of infertility, an adoption, and then a pregnancy, I am a fan of childspacing! Or was.
"See..we want more kids, but I don't necessarily want one right this very second. But if we don't at least try...well...it might take us a while." We needed to at least try, because without my crystal ball, I didn't know what that would mean. Would we need to show enough of an effort that an OB would even talk to us about fertility treatments? Or save our pennies for another adoption? Or do we accept that we have to awesome kids already and call it good? But then the kicker...
"Honestly. I'm scared. (This is where the tears came.) Before my kids I thought that infertility would be the greatest trial I would face. But then...The leading up to and bringing home of Scrunch pushed me to my emotional edge. And then Porkchop...well, that pushed me even further and took me to my physical and emotional edge. So, I'm scared. Because honestly, I know we're not going to get off easy. I feel like all of it has been to prepare us for what is to come."
The truth of what I had just said settled into silence.
I came home and told my husband what the evening's conversation had brought on.
"You know what I want? What I really want? I want to be ready enough to say to Heavenly Father, 'Can't I just get knocked up and have a kid the normal way? I want this to be easy, for the love! Is that so wrong?"
And here I am. For now. I still don't know what it means though. Will this be easy peasy or am I going to be walking a new edge?
Time will tell.
That one. I know what that one means. It means 'wait and see'. And really, when all is said and done, none of us get out of this thing alive. And the edge isn't so bad anyway. I'm getting kind of used to it. Almost maybe even like the idea. You get a whole new perspective and to see some amazing things when you're standing on the edge. And it's not like I'd be doing any of it alone.
If you're waiting for me to say, "I am preggo." Well, you can keep waiting. I would never say that. I detest the word 'preggo'. A lot like Eggo and Lego, but doesn't mean anything. But yes, I am pregnant. It is early, really early. And I know the stats. At this stage in the game, they are no bueno, but we wait and see. I decided to say something because well, I have a big mouth and even if there was a miscarriage, I would write about that too. I would be due in February. The plan is for another home birth. They don't see repeat clients until late, late the first trimester. I didn't want an appt. until there would be no doubt we should hear a heartbeat. Yes, I will have an ultrasound, but no I will not be finding out the sex. Oh, and if you thought that my news a few days ago was this, you're mistaken. I still have MORE news to share on the fourth of July!
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