Friday, May 8, 2009

Hope

"Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune--without the words,
And never stops at all,"

-Emily Dickinson

As soon as we were approved to adopt and even before, I told everyone we knew. And in return they told me of every waiting child they knew about, had heard about, had heard their mother knew, etc. And with every child, I pictured myself as their mother. Mulling around each scenario as to what it would be like, what we would feel like, how much it would cost. I figured out their due dates, and even in cases their names. With each and every child I hoped. All six times.

A few months prior to even becoming aware of Scrunch, we had a failed adoption. One where the night before she was to be born C-section, the cars packed, car seat installed it looked like it wasn't going to work out. It rocked my world. And for weeks I grieved. We had put our entire hearts and souls into hoping for her. When she didn't come I was devastated. We had even named her and it took me time to stop calling her Colette. After the fact I can say that I have a complete understanding as to why it happened and how it blessed us, but to say that my hopes where dashed is an understatement.

Two months later we got The Call and a week later we met our birthmom. Friends and family, while supportive, were wary and counseled that I should not get my hopes up. And I cursed those that had the gall to mention, "Remember what happened last time." In my mind I told myself the same thing. Don't get your hopes up. But I didn't listen. I decided that that wasn't fair. I wasn't going to get to be pregnant. Why should I miss out on the excitement of buying a car seat and setting up a nursery? Why should I be ripped off of all the excitement and anticipation that comes with major life changes. We again put our entire hearts and souls into putting our hopes in this baby. I had my heart set on it.

She came, and she was everything and more that I had hoped for.

When people tell us not to get our hopes up, or to not get too set on something they mean it for our own protection. I don't offer the same advice. I don't know how not to get your hopes up. I have gotten my hopes up over and over and over again and been disappointed at least that many times. And you know what? I have survived it.

Hope is not fatal. Hope is sometimes the only thing we've got. Hope is the only thing I know how to do.

After two big, BIG appointments today, here is me not getting my hopes too high, but high enough.

That would be my vehicle in the driveway of a house.


And here's me hoping that should I ever find myself pregnant I will look like I stuffed a bicycle helmet under my shirt and that I won't get pregnant in my face or in my feet. Can I hope to get pregnant and still not want to get a fat face? Why does your face have to get all shmushed and flattened out with pregnancy?


Here's to hope.

And if these hopes come crashing down I will deal with it. I will cry. I will curse. But if they don't, I will have enjoyed every minute of it.

***Chillax! I am not pregnant. Only have the potential to become so, but that's better than I'd hoped.

7 comments:

cambridgeclan said...

That is a good look on you. I didn't realize bike helmets work that well. Much better than a basketball. Don't worry, not everyone gets a fat face. I'll go along with all your hopes. We drive by "our" house almost every day and I am still trying to figure out where the furniture will go.

I agree that having your hopes dashed is better than having no hope at all. (Although I really don't like it when it is my hopes that are dashed)

Lisa said...

I hope both your dreams come true. I am praying for you.

Holly said...

Love the house!! And the pic of you pseudo prego is kinda funny....it actually looks real!

Angela said...

Oh that house is so cute! (not as cute as you "preggo") I'm hoping right along with you . . . and not everyone gets "fat in the face" so there's hope for you there too

grandma/mom said...

Even in old age we need hope. Thanks for the post.
P.S. thats just how I looked with the boys. From the back you couldn't tell I was pregnant.So hopefully:)

Myhappybliss said...

I am a stranger and havn't seen your new blog in a long while, but I just wanted to give you more hope....I am 42 and waiting any day now to deliver my first, and probally only child....I wanted childern since I was 20, but it just didn't happen, and I tried and tried for years and years, even all the way into my 40's....Like you said you can't give up hope, you just need to give up the attachment to what ever it is you really want.....I found that out the hard way. I gave up my attachment to wanting a child so much it hurt, and it happened....Even at my age....And even thought I have been called the AMA (advanced maternal aged) pregnant woman the last 9 months, I am only hoping that the next 20 years will be just as fun as the last....Happy Mothers Day and good luck on the house and what ever else your heart desires...

[AlisaR] said...

I love this post.
Hoping and dreaming are a huge part of living. People who want to go through life in safety mode confuse me. Sweet isn't sweet unless you know bitter too.
Great, great post.
I hope both your dreams come true.

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