Fairy Dust

I'm awake and it's the middle of the night. I could blame it on the baby in the next room, but really she's sleeping like... well, a baby. I fell asleep on the couch watching a movie but that was at 8:30. It's almost been my required six hours of sleep, so now I'm wide awake. Sort of. Even in the middle of the night, your wide awake-ness is still a little dull.

I needed to delete a previous post so that I don't get someone fired, but it left me thinking. "A dangerous past-time, I know." (Sorry, Disney reference.) So what am I thinking?... I usually wake up thinking about my next project, or dreaming of a knitting pattern, but not tonight.

I'm thinking about fairy dust. A few weeks ago a patient's wife commented on my nursing bag. She asked if I had any fairy dust that I could sprinkle and change their situation. I told her, "believe me, I wish I did."

So, if I had fairy dust, what would I sprinkle it on? Two things come to mind.

#1. My bank account. Sorry, it's true. I don't necessarily want to be oober-wealthy, but it would be nice not to have to think about money. I hate that we have to consider the options when it comes to- do we save for a down payment? or our next child? It's just a fact of the situation. It's kind of hard to make those kinds of decisions because we have the control. You'd think that as a control freak I'd love that. Nope, not really. We decide when to submit our paperwork the next time. And then there's the whole do we specify girl or boy or just take what we get? That's a whole other post. How many times are we going to do this? Our chances of being picked decrease and the length of time you wait increases the more children you have (at least that's what they tell you). I hate that I think about these things. I feel like I'm not giving my full attention and gratitude for the one child we have. And then there's the guilt. Which brings me to #2.

#2. I would sprinkle fairy dust on the IFC. I feel guilt thinking about our 'next' baby, because I have really good friends who are waiting for their first. I want the infertile club to transform into the "Infertile First" club. When someone asked me when Little Miss was born if this meant I was out of the IFC I said "No, I'm still infertile. I just have a baby." But come on guys, let's be honest. I never wanted to join the "mommy club" because they talk about their labors and breastfeeding, two subjects I don't have a lot to add to (or at least very pleasant things to say about them). But at the same time, my days now are filled with teething, growth charts, and developmental milestones. And I LOVE IT. Like it or not, I'm in the mommy club. But it kills me that it kills some of my friends to see it. I know they want what I've got.

And even though I am totally and completely thrilled/grateful that I'm a mommy now, at the same time, I still feel like I've been kicked in the stomach when I hear that Jr. High students get pregnant or that women who've had abortions delivered twins. There's just a lot that I don't get. And then surfing on the internet I came across this video. This didn't help. It just made me cry.




Moral of the story- If I had fairy dust I would sprinkle it on my pea-brain so that just for one day I would have a greater understanding of it all. I would get why some people have something others want, why some people get and kill what others live for, and I would get why I wake up in the middle of the night thinking about this stuff.