Gone Soft

I was talking to Holly this week about how maybe I'm losing my edge. The hormone replacement is literally making me soft. It's curbing the hormonal outbursts and causing me to gain weight. I don't find myself spewing nearly as often or at least having most of the conversation in my head. But there are a few things recently that still cause me to roll my eyes and raise my blood pressure.

I was sort of toying with the idea of joining the ward book club. You know...get out of my comfort zone. Get to know some members of the ward. Get out. Read.All good things. Seemed like a good idea, until I found out they chose Breaking Dawn as one of the books. Dig my eyeball out with a spoon! I have a theory that we're all being brainwashed into loving vampires so that it will be easier for them to take us over. I'm full of theories. Anyway, the book club idea is going back up on the shelf along with 'Park Days' until they make another more suitable literary choice.

I have an aversion to mommy clubs, which 'Park Days' is. It is nothing personal. It is not you. It's me. I have mentioned it before in my not-so-subtle way that I really don't like hanging out with the "mom's club." It's awkward for me. I never was great at getting along with other chicks in the first place. Then I wasn't a mom so I really didn't care to hear about their labor or how much pregnancy sucked. Now I am a mommy, and I find that that fact alone is not enough to admit you into the club. See, you also have to agree on parenting theories. And I have this one major parenting theory that doesn't seem to be very popular when presented. "If you don't like kids, quit having them." I've never actually said this out loud. Yet. But I think it a lot and one of these days it's going to slip.

A group of chicks (and chicks is totally the right term) because they sound like small poultry squawking, is not fun for me. It's nothing personal. I just don't have a lot to add to a conversation which includes complaining about who's husband is the biggest loser, the latest episode of Desperate Housewives, and whose kids drive them the most crazy. Why would I want to go to Relief Society twice a week except onetime without all of the quotes? I currently like my husband, I don't have t.v., and my child is for the most part immobile so how crazy could she drive me? Add comparing who had the longest, most painful, most complicated labor ever and I will gladly dig my eye out with a spoon. A used plastic Wendy's Frosty spoon at that.

My personal favorite is when they feel like they need to include me in the conversation. Then I get to hear about every cousin's friend aunt's hair-dresser who also adopted, except they adopted from China. Now, I love a good adoption story as much as the next mom but um...what does that have to do with me? Oh, because we adopted. Gotcha.

The other thing is that the "mommy club" is not discrete. They can't keep a secret and news spreads like wild fire THROUGH THE ENTIRE WARD. Theory number three for the day is to choose friends who have an understanding of HIPAA. This helps in keeping things hush hush. Because of that, I'm going to be one of the last people to announce that the IFC is soon to be the Infertile First Club. Yes, all three of us are going to be mommies at the same time! Little Miss is going to have a posse and the playgrounds will never be the same again. It's not the kids you have to watch out for, it's us. We are all little nuts, share similar "theories", and could all use a little "therapy". Even if two us have read all of the Twilight series. I still love them and they don't hate me because I won't.

And another thing...(I'm just going to get this all out in one shot.) Recently John came to me and informed me that he had been asked if we were still trying. I find it amusing that they would ask my husband and not me. What? You were afraid of a bitchy sarcastic remark from me to mind your own business?

"As in trying to get pregnant?" I asked laughing. And what did he tell them? He says, "Yeah, I guess." And by that I guess, what he really means is "yes, we have unprotected sex." Therefore according to my last prevailing theory for the day and the natural consequences of intimacy- if you are having marital relations without contraceptives then you are trying to get pregnant. Period. End of story. Even if you don't think you can, or ever will, or are breastfeeding, or weren't planning it or whatever. If you're having sex, you're planning on getting pregnant. I hope this isn't a newsflash for any of you. If it is, I have some nursing texts you can borrow that aren't the least bit embarrassing and highly informative. Very clinical, but it gets the message across.

But if your question was really meant to be "you guys are still going to do fertility treatments, right?", then my bitchy sarcastic reply is to MYOB and I'll let you figure out what that stands for. That is unless YOU'D like to announce to the world every time you and your significant other 'are in the married way.'

Maybe I've still got it after all.