Sunday, October 26, 2008

Dr. Laura Says

Don't hate people who start a conversation with "Dr. Laura says..." She's usually right, thus making the person who is quoting her also right. Gotta love that. If you're a hater more than likely you're doing/have done something that would merit one of her infamous tongue lashings that make you feel about this big. (I'm holding my fingers really close together.)

That being said, "Dr. Laura says you shouldn't feel guilt unless you've done something wrong." People (usually women) will call up, "Dr. Laura I feel guilty because..." And she says something along the lines of "your feelings are inappropriate. You might be feeling sad, or frustrated, but not guilt. You haven't done anything wrong."

So if this is true where does all this "mommy guilt" come from? The 'I'm not doing enough for my kid.' I'm not doing enough for my husband. I'm not doing enough for anyone else. I'm not doing enough for me. Guilt. guilt. guilt. It sucks the life right out of you. On top of it there are days where you look around trying to find a clean pair of underwears because you haven't gotten to washing the whites when you notice the carpet. The carpet that you just vacuumed that is now covered in whatever the dogs (and child) have chewed up and say, "Where did all of this come from? What is it anyway? I want off this ride right now."

I was recently accused of not telling the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth about mommy hood. That it is a lot of work, and your house doesn't stay as clean as it used to, and you lose most semblance of what used to be your routine, and the list goes on and on. Your world is tumbled upside down.

I hear, "Well at least you weren't recovering or were in labor for 17 hours. That's tired." You are right. There are things I do not understand having never experienced them. I understand that so much more now being on the other side of motherhood. There are things that cannot be explained or understood fully until experienced. But when you have a crappy day where the to-do list remains unchecked and you remain unshowered does the thought, "Someone GAVE me this child. And not even God, but another human, living, loving, breathing woman GAVE me this child, making her mine and I'm not loving every second of every minute of every day" Does that cross your mind?

And thinking that, and feeling that, brings "mommy guilt." And adoption mommy guilt is the worst. I worked so hard to get here. Dammit I'm going to love every second of it. And not every second you do. And you feel guilty for wanting off the ride. Even for just a second so you can brush your teeth in peace. But like Dr. Laura says, those feelings are inappropriate. You might feel sad. You might feel frustrated. You might feel TIRED. But you're not guilty. You have done nothing wrong. You are normal. And you're a mommy.


[AlisaR] said...

If I went an entire day without feeling guilty for something, I would not know who I was. It's a girl thing, which you expertly expressed.

Holly said...

you took the words right out of my mouth......again.

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