Thursday, March 12, 2009

What I want to say.

My Handsome Husband and I get to speak tonight at an Adoption Orientation meeting for LDS Family Services (the agency that we used for Scrunch's adoption.) Generally a thirty minute speaking assignment would be somewhat overwhelming to attempt to plan, but in this case WE ONLY GET 30 minutes. You want us to tell our story in a measly thirty minutes? We will see what we can do. And can I do it without crying? Not likely.

I remember going to that meeting. I met Holly at that meeting. Besides being excited about finally getting the ball rolling, I was also there to check out the other couples. There were other people like me! Normal looking ones with nice husbands, cute shoes, jobs, lives. You just want to feel normal. Especially in the LDS culture where there is such an emphasis on children and families, when you feel like you're missing out- the pain can be excruciating. You feel like you're broken. You feel ripped off. You feel punished. You feel sad. You feel desperate. You feel angry. Depressed. More anger. More sadness. You hate going to Relief Society. You refuse callings in the nursery. There is no end to the spectrum of feelings that you feel.

Besides telling our story in terms of the sequence of events I hope there is a way for me to convey what I really want to say....

This is normal. It is OK that you feel like that. It is OK that you DON'T feel like that. You are not the only one. Yup. This sucks. It's OK. We GET why you hate holidays, why you're ticked that you have to be fingerprinted (again), why you buy clothes and shoes and knit things for a baby you don't have, or why you avoid the baby aisle at Target. Waiting is the worst. Your heart will not always hurt. There will be a day when you consider yourself lucky and blessed to have your life touched by adoption. Adoption is not a cure for infertility, but it is a cure for childlessness.

Being chosen by a mother and/or father to parent their child is the greatest gift a person can give. For you. For them. For their baby. For your baby.

I can talk about birth father rights, grounds for termination, Interstate compact, attorney's fees, (multiple) Agency processes. I can give you the statistics on the mental health and resiliency of adopted children. We can discuss the varying degrees of openness with birth parents. Openness with your child.

But mostly... just know that you're not the only one. You'll find your baby, and your baby will find you. So go ahead. If it helps you cope to shop for more onesies, if you want to set up the crib and just sit in an empty room, go for it! I totally get it.

There are lots of us that GET it.


Holly said...

good luck tonight! I know you guys will do an amazing job!!

Wilkins Family said...

I am always amazed at your writting skills. My heart goes out to everyone that goes throught that. I pray that tonight you can help at least one couple that has had those same feelings. You really are such a great example!

Lisa said...

I know you will do great. I still remember the talk you gave in sacrament a couple of years back. You said that the Savior is the only one who truly feels what we feel, and those words have rung in my head several times since then.

Casey said...

That was a beautiful post! Wish I could come and hear you speak!

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