Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Hello my new best friend!

They call them Spanx, but I'll call her Spanky. Spanky and me. We're practically one.

(I have officially crossed over into blogging about all facets of my life, including my underwears.)

But let me tell you, a friend made me do it. Actually a second friend. Yep it took three of us to pull an outfit off. But it's a long story. Oh? It's been a long day, you say. Then I will tell you.

Enters first friend. Not my first friend ever. Just the first friend in this story. Oh shut up! I'm trying to tell a story. So anyway...We went shopping. I usually do my shopping alone, because when shopping alone I have a fifty-fifty chance of talking myself out of buying something no matter how amazing it is. Rational-reasonable-frugal-budgeting me says, "Don't even think about it Sista! We should just go home." Where the wild and crazy who-can't-count-so-she-couldn't-budget-if-she-wanted-to me says, "If you don't buy that, it's almost criminal." I'm a lot of things, but I'm no criminal.

Well, in the case of taking friends to shop, you can kiss Rational-reasonable-frugal-budgeting me good-bye. She practically made me buy it. I swear honey, she made me do it. She said that if I didn't buy that skirt she wouldn't let our kids play together. So thinking of Scrunch the entire time, and how hot my butt would look in the skirt, I did it. (And I changed ass to butt on request of Husband. Oh how easily I succumb to peer pressure this week!)

Only problem is we went in to one of those stores where the size double 00 is on the racks. Seriously. Double 00? Who wears a double 00? Wait. Don't tell me. I'll hate you more than whining pregnant chicks. So I buy the biggest size they've got and call it good.

I get home and try it on and realize that it fits, but just barely. My butt looked as good as I hoped, but we had little to no growing room. Generally I would just lay off the sodium for a few days, but I realized this week was Thanksgiving. No carbs on Thanksgiving? OK. Right.

Enters second friend. The always rational, reasonable, frugal, budgeting one. Who also happens to be a GI (gastroenterology) guru. As in she writes prescriptions and everything. I ask, "How can one drop the most amount of weight the fastest way possible?" She shoots down all of my ideas. No to poop tea. No to lipo. No to everything that will work fast. Then she says, "Wait. Who is this for? Who is trying to lose weight?" I then have to tell her the whole story about how she made me do it, and this skirt that makes my butt look hot but that I can't breathe for very long wearing it....And after all of that she still says no to prescribing me heavy duty make Mary Kate and Ashley Olson jealous kind of laxatives, and no to poop tea. Fine. You're no help. Then she says, "Get one of those things the stars wear and they talk about on Oprah." OK. You're a help again.

Enters Spanx. So, that is how I met Spanky. I loved her before we even met. The reviews say a good 2-10 lbs. Hello. Now that's what I'm talking about! What's good enough for Eva Longoria is good enough for me! Thank goodness for friends.

So what would make me consider fad dieting and almost considering saying bye-bye to mashed potatoes on one of the most blessed holidays of the year?

Two words.

Bebe. Crushed velvet.

OK. That's three words, but whose counting.


Marti said...

I can't even imagine that you would need spanx!

northslopegang said...

can you ask santa to bring me one too?

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