Changing

I have often balked at the concept of the Mommy Club in the past. It was something for other women. Not me. I wanted nothing to do with it. And Park Days? Oh, we're not even going there. Even going so far as to having mocked it with my other infertile friends.

And yet something has changed. I noticed it talking about formulas and immunizations this week and watching birthing videos and discussing doulas. And then it became even more apparent last week at the RS board meeting. When the subject of the number of women that were currently pregnant in the ward came up (it's a really high number considering we're not a student ward), I didn't shift in the familiar uncomfortableness in my chair. I just sat there curiously wondering if I knew them all.

And then I saw it. The look on another woman's face. She doesn't know I know. But it was there. Completely undetected by the other women in the room. The clenching of the jaw. The tightening of the gritted smile. The blinking as fast as possible so no one notices you're tearing. And you hold your breath praying the subject quickly changes. And the subject quickly did. And my heart broke for her.

I could see her pain. And I remembered the pain. And then a thought that completely took me off guard. I was remembering the pain- not feeling it. And I felt so good, so grateful. And I had to blink so no one noticed I was tearing.